update... I guess

Hi, guys.

OK, I haven't been eating. Nothing at all for several days now. But the reason for that isn't my wanarexia or whatever. I'm having some serious problems right now. And it makes me wonder about things. About this thing.

There has been a tragedy in our family. I almost can't see because I've been crying that much. There's lot of pain going through my body. And unfortunately, the whole thing is not over yet.

Someone has left us. If I weren't working on this blog for the last couple of days I could perhaps spend more time with him. Who knows, perhaps I could change something... I don't know.

Right now it seems like the most inappropiate thing to make any posts here. I'll try to come back, I promise. Maybe I'm gonna be thin without trying. Pain is a million times stronger than hunger.

Best wishes, lovelies :) (an attempt to smile).


high fashion thinspo

These are some details from the high fashion campaigns fall 2010/winter 2011. Can anybody see the advice "healthier looking models"? Because I don't. :)


Calvin Klein








Leon Max

Louis Vuitton

Marc Jacobs

Miu Miu







the thinness in art

Most people believe that all the art up until at least the French revolution showed women as very fleshy beings (yet usually beautiful). It's not that true. The sense of etherical beauty has been present in every century of human existence. And I just found a painter that was able to catch just that kind of beauty in his paintings. I think they are worth sharing.


tuesday 8/17

What a weird day! I had some work at night so I got to the bed at about 7AM. I felt really hungry and found out that I'm not going to fall asleep like that. So I went to the kitchen and made myself a cabbage (like a slaw). The whole meal was pretty weird but it met my taste perfectly - I needed something very sour and full of vitamins. I didn't have much of it (like one small bowl) and then ate nothing else during the day but the scale didn't move in any way. I guess when one choses the ABC, he/she has to know that the metabolism is going to slow down drastically and every piece of food is just too much.

Not a bad day after all :).

Thank you for you support, guys. You are amazing, xoxo.

my favourite thin-quotes

These are some of the favourite and most effective mantras for me. I keep them under my pillow, I take them with me whenever I go to the kitchen to make myself a coffee, I believe in them since they're my best friends nowadays.

TOP 10:

- Amazingly enough, we all live inside a body that is capable of improvement everyday...what are you waiting for?

- You will come to realize that what appears today to be a sacrafice will prove instead to be the greatest investment you ever made.

- The greatest thing you have is the 24 hours in front of you. The past is gone; the future is distant. Today you CAN succeed.

- If you can imagine it, you can achieve it. If you dream it, you can become it. Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments.

- Never give up on a dream just because of the length of time it will take to achieve it. The time will pass anyway.

- Eat for the body you want, not the body you have.

- When you look in the mirror you are looking at the problem. You are also looking at the solution.

- I'm not starving myself... I'm perfecting my emptiness.

- Pain is weakness leaving the body.

- We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act, but a habit.


monday 8/16 (lost 2 pounds)

OK, so yesterday I ate a bit more than what is acceptable for my current ABC. I have tried being stronger today - went through hundreds of thinspo pictures and quotes. However I made one mistake - I was trying to stay away from sweet drinks, which I'm used to drink to get that minimum energy that is necessary for staying active during the day. Finally, I just began to feel really faint and I ate some chocolate and knackebrot with salmon butter and three cherry tomatoes. I was really afraid because I felt like that's a beginning of a binge but I didn't get any closer to the fridge for the rest of the day. :)

And I also stepped on the scale and found out that I've lost two pounds (in about 2-3 days), which makes me feel proud of myself ;). Still I am ashamed to mention any more facts about my weight and measurements and stuff like that... Maybe later :).

Stay strong, ladies. Every day is a new, bright and clean beginning.

the day I've stopped talking about my diet

There are reasons why people talk about them being dieting. Some people just brag (especially in front of fat "friends"), some need more eyes to watch their eating habits and some just always try to get an extra attention.

But according to my experience no people with serious body/diet/ED issues talk about them publicly. I guess that's one of the reasons why the pro-ana community is so big&tight&sympathetic. Girls who are secretely starving value the virtual place where they can share their thoughts and take a good care for it, since there is no other for them.

The day, when I have stopped talking about my diet and all the other body related issues meant a big change in my life. I don't order low fat meal when being out for a family dinner anymore (instead I am always "too sick to go anywhere"), I don't search for little fitness tips and tricks online anymore (I am all about the big challenges now) and need no one to consult my actions with - I only need an inspiration and place to share.

Being "publicly dieting" and "secretly starving" have nothing in common. They are the opposites of each other.


sunday 8/15

Not little, not much.
Feeling strong. Tomorrow I'd like to fast again.

that skinny glam

They have a pretty girl next door look.
They have a strong face bone structure.
They have a sense of fashion.
They are famous.
And they are SKINNY.

Emma, Kristen and Miley.

Please, just don't tell me that these girls are such stars just because of their talent (debatable) and personality.

There could be no FAT Bella (Twilight is a fantasy and romantic story - it has to be perfect).
No FAT Emma could ever become a face of Burberry.
And no FAT Miley could rock the stage in those super short pants that skinny Miley obviously loves.

So it's not about the skinny catwalk models that somehow "force" the society to believe that thin = beautiful. It's about the thin girls people chose to like. Because sometimes it's just too difficult to see a beautiful soul and bubbly personality behind some extra fat. It is not fair. It's just the reality.


my peeling obsession

OK, I confess. I am a peel-maniac. I own more than 12 of those (in the range from 1 to 50 USD) and I know how to use them :-).

It's clear to me that there is some psychological factor about scrubs, because I definitely use them more when I'm "on the track" (dieting). There si something very attractive about the "peel it off" thing, which relates to pureness and slimness in my eyes. But there are also myths about skin exfoliation (see http://yummy-secrets.blogspot.com/2010/02/dieting-myths-3.html) that are trying to make a magic of something that is just a pretty cool cosmetic... thing.

But anyway - the reason for this post is my today's "bathroom cooking." I found out that a fresh scrub is sooo much more effective and pleasant to use than those in tubes. In the past I used to make it from salt - but those were just too agressive to the skin. So today I made a super sweet one of sugar, olive oil, lemon juice and shower gel. It smells great and works perfectly. Almost like eating a candy :-).

saturday 8/14

Fasting. Since I have some experience with it I know I have no problem to stand 24 hours without food. The little energy I need I get from sweet drinks. Today it's been: one big pineapple juice, ice coffey and one glass of coke 0.

And again, girls, I thank you. I just subscribed to several blogs and suddenly I got my first followers & comments. I feel very... home. :-) Thank you.

BTW - Am I the only one who thinks this music video sucks?


... because getting thinner is a romantic journey

I don't count calouries - ever. It doesn't work for me in any way. I always know if I'm doing good or bad.

When I am strong I try to fast.

When I'm a bit weaker I try to eat just a little piece of something that satisfies me for the moment (usually unhealthy stuff - a piece of chocolate, a glass of liqueur... several days ago I made myself ten pieces of french fries for the dinner :-)).

And when I'm really weak I binge so much that it's better not to know any numbers.

Diet/fasting should be in one's body, mind and soul. I can't imagine having it in a calorie counter. After all - my body reacts differently every single day. Sometimes it's very generous, sometimes just too cruel. Just as the whole journey.

why are we meeting here

(I'd love this to be my last "first post" ever.)

I have known the ED community for quite some time. I've never really tried to "get" any ED (later to be self-diagnosed) or look as the skinniest models, but I've always loved to use thinspo and the special atmosphere of the whole ana community as an inspiration and a drive for my diets.

Then two things happened.

First - I found out I got a stomach ulcer (not very bad, but...) from my long time fasting-binging lifestyle. (Which only motivated me not to stop fasting, but to stop binging :-))

And second - I discovered the amazing US/UK/AUS pro-thin community that I have loved ever since. I live in a small country - only few blogs on this topic are written in my language (English is actually my third one) and these sites could not give me the support and the motivation I needed.

So I decided to take my blog where my heart belongs. It's more difficult for me to express my thoughts and feelings in English, however it pays off. I need to lose about 80 pounds so I have to accept all help possible.