It's been a month since my last post here. Things haven't really changed much, but the pain is less sharp now so I am able to come back and look around this place and community I love so much.
First of all - THANK YOU for the support you gave me through comments and e-mails.
Special thanks to Skeleton Strong for: "But also remember that even though this is "just a blog" and we all seem "just worried about what we weigh," we're actually real people too, and we care about you." <3
And now the important thing (some moralizing ahead):
I found out that no matter what one deals with in life, it's always easier to deal with it while one is thin & clean & beautiful.
Now this sounds like a super stupid sentence, because beauty seems to be nothing compared to love & death & God & stuff like that. But it's true. Not because the universe makes your life better when you are thin. Not because God loves you more when you can fit size 0. But because of yourself. When one doesn't have to fight the body, it's easier to fight through life. And for me, the only way how not to see my body as an enemy, is to make it better.
I´m not trying to lose all the fat for some material reason or for a boy who didn´t want me at high school. I'm doing this because it´s a need of my soul, literally.
This is what Yummy has in the header of her blog: Where does my heart belong.
I finally understand.
I've been through some painful things lately, and I would still sign this in my blood.
(I'm not really sure if this is a comeback. I just needed to write it down.)
I love you all, each of you is beautiful, girls.